It's not fair that he wants to talk and still be friends.  I think it's because he wants the peace of mind of always knowing what I'm doing and making sure I'm not moving on in case he decides he's wrong.  I am moving on though, it has been long enough.  He does not deserve the peace of mind of knowing my whereabouts and what's new with me.  I have no need to speak with him.  I know exactly what's he's like and what he's doing.  He is boring and predictable and I have no desire to hear how fun the library was or what he's eating for lunch.  I wish I could stay in Europe forever so I would not have to go back and put effort into making sure I don't see his stupid face.

In My Bed & I Sleep Like a Baby

I am surprised that I have not been torturing myself as usual by overanalyzing the situation while I sleep.  Usually when I fight with Nathan, I sleep very poorly and I lose a lot of weight.  I am losing weight, but it's because I want to, not because thinking about his ugly face makes me lose my appetite.

In other news, I broke down in tears for the first time since we talked today while I was video chatting with my mother.  That was embarrassing.  And all because she made a little comment like, why don't you have Nathan or Ryan do something or other (I forget now what she was saying).  And just like that I started crying, and I had to pretend like my computer turned off because I didn't want to talk about it.  Then the dinner bell rang, and when I got to dinner I'm sure it was obvious I'd been crying because the Polish lady asked me if I had a cold. RUDE!  So after dinner I got back online and just explained to her via IM what had happened.

It's hard to talk to her about it because she always is happy when we break up because she knows we need space since I have been with him since I was a BABY (the summer after I turned 14/summer before sophomore year of high school).  I guess I really want this space too but I am just scared to death that Nathan will like it too much, or even love it, or find someone else, and then never come back.  That's my biggest fear.  But I guess I have to face it.

One Art by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Time to Move On, Time to Get Going

This weekend has been nice. Lots of alone time.  Yesterday I laid out in Mme. Cottave's backyard and listened to music.  At night I read the new Sedaris book before bed.  This morning I got up, laid in bed for awhile, and then went out to lunch by myself.  It was liberating.

The rules so far:

1. Look as good as possible everyday, and make it a point to check yourself out in the mirror and remind yourself how good you look.  Also, before you get in the shower, remind yourself how good you look naked compared to him!

2. Make a good better-off-without-him playlist. No sad or nostalgic songs.

So far I have:

-Doth I Protest Too Much? by Alanis Morissette

-Naive by Lily Allen

-Not Big by Lily Allen

-I Feel Bad by Rascal Flatts

-Revenge is Sweeter (Than You Ever Were) by the Veronicas

-Freshmen by the Verve Pipe

-Everybody Knows by the Dixie Chicks

-You Can Breathe by Jack's Mannequin

-7 Things by Miley Cyrus

-Keep Fishing by Weezer

-Colors by Amos Lee

-Winding Road by Bonnie Somerville

-The Long Way Around by the Dixie Chicks

-Time to Move On by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers

-Landslide by Fleetwood Mac