In My Bed & I Sleep Like a Baby

I am surprised that I have not been torturing myself as usual by overanalyzing the situation while I sleep.  Usually when I fight with Nathan, I sleep very poorly and I lose a lot of weight.  I am losing weight, but it's because I want to, not because thinking about his ugly face makes me lose my appetite.

In other news, I broke down in tears for the first time since we talked today while I was video chatting with my mother.  That was embarrassing.  And all because she made a little comment like, why don't you have Nathan or Ryan do something or other (I forget now what she was saying).  And just like that I started crying, and I had to pretend like my computer turned off because I didn't want to talk about it.  Then the dinner bell rang, and when I got to dinner I'm sure it was obvious I'd been crying because the Polish lady asked me if I had a cold. RUDE!  So after dinner I got back online and just explained to her via IM what had happened.

It's hard to talk to her about it because she always is happy when we break up because she knows we need space since I have been with him since I was a BABY (the summer after I turned 14/summer before sophomore year of high school).  I guess I really want this space too but I am just scared to death that Nathan will like it too much, or even love it, or find someone else, and then never come back.  That's my biggest fear.  But I guess I have to face it.