I Belong to Me

I am soooo happy to be home.  I teared up when Anna picked me up from the airport and when I saw Ryan at Pizza House.  It makes me so sad to think that I would've had that same happiness seeing Nathan for the first time had he not fucked things up so royally.  I know I can't be mad forever, but every time I think about the way he did things I just get so angry.  How can you throw away a five-year relationship without warning in a 5-minute phone conversation? PHONE CONVERSATION! God. It makes me sick to think of how stupid I am to have been with such an asshole.  Oh, and then you want to IM me...and TALK? NOOOOO. YOU DUMPED ME. LEAVE ME ALONE. And in order to get over you, I need to cut you out of my life and surround myself with good people.  It's hard not to talk to him or think of him, but it's manageable and I've been managing it.  I'm truly happy probably 85% of the day.  When I'm dancing to our boating playlist or tubing or playing a hilarious game of Scattegories with the siblings, he's never on my mind.  It's just when I'm sad or alone that my mind gets to thinking of him.  But I know it will get better with time and distance.  I'm just soooo unbelievably hurt by the disrespectful way he did things though that I'm too numb to cry or dwell, I think that is the worst of it.  I understand the impulse to want to break up, we had been together five years basically...you want to be alone and be single and young and have fun.  In fact, I understand it so much, that I was seriously thinking of doing the dumping two weeks prior to the event.  I even TOLD him that...like an idiot.  Either way, I understand all that, I am excited for it, and I have enjoyed it thus far.  It is fun to flirt with random people, even if you have no intentions of following through.  Being single makes me more aware of other guys, and when Anna and I were walking around Ann Arbor on Sunday, we probably got "noticed" or severely checked out 10 times.  It makes me feel good and special.  I have never been courted or treated like a queen.  And I'm not saying I need to be, but the offer of that as a possibility is so new and flattering.  I am excited to go on my date with Mazen when I get home.  I'm just really scared that it will make me more depressed because I know I don't want anything with him besides lunch.  He's too old and far ahead of me in life.  I know that if Nathan and I are right for each other, he will find his way back to me.  But I know I can't count on it, and that's why I've got to cut him out of my life for now.  The biggest lesson is that I can only count on myself and my family.  And also that Nathan only has the power to control my emotions if I give it to him.  And by cutting him out of my life, I have taken that power away from him.  He has nothing over me now.  I belong to myself.

I've Seen More Spine in Jellyfish, I've Seen More Guts in Eleven-Year-Old Kids

Retail therapy works! I'm here to spread the word.  Especially in Milan! So I'm here by myself for the night.  It really sucks being a girl.  I'm constantly scared to go places by myself, I can't go out by myself at night (or even when Adrienne was here), and I could go on.  And it's all because we're physically weaker than stupid fucking men.  No wonder there's such a big complex that we all have about needing to be with a man or being nothing.  Because we could literally be ground into nothing by that stupid fucking group of humans.  Tomorrow I go to Nice, and I'm meeting up with that guy I met.  I really hope he doesn't turn out to be an axe murderer cause I ain't got any superpowers.  And, no, I'm not looking for booty.  I don't even think I'll kiss him.  But he was sooo cute.  I think I just wanna be friends though.  I'm only gonna be there for three days, no need to make things awkward.  Also, who knows what will happen with Mazen in the fall.  I know he really wants to do lunch and I am not rejecting him.  I'm actually kind of excited.  But I don't want him to think it's gonna be a relationship-type thing.  I am so over those.  Never going back.