I Belong to Me

I am soooo happy to be home.  I teared up when Anna picked me up from the airport and when I saw Ryan at Pizza House.  It makes me so sad to think that I would've had that same happiness seeing Nathan for the first time had he not fucked things up so royally.  I know I can't be mad forever, but every time I think about the way he did things I just get so angry.  How can you throw away a five-year relationship without warning in a 5-minute phone conversation? PHONE CONVERSATION! God. It makes me sick to think of how stupid I am to have been with such an asshole.  Oh, and then you want to IM me...and TALK? NOOOOO. YOU DUMPED ME. LEAVE ME ALONE. And in order to get over you, I need to cut you out of my life and surround myself with good people.  It's hard not to talk to him or think of him, but it's manageable and I've been managing it.  I'm truly happy probably 85% of the day.  When I'm dancing to our boating playlist or tubing or playing a hilarious game of Scattegories with the siblings, he's never on my mind.  It's just when I'm sad or alone that my mind gets to thinking of him.  But I know it will get better with time and distance.  I'm just soooo unbelievably hurt by the disrespectful way he did things though that I'm too numb to cry or dwell, I think that is the worst of it.  I understand the impulse to want to break up, we had been together five years basically...you want to be alone and be single and young and have fun.  In fact, I understand it so much, that I was seriously thinking of doing the dumping two weeks prior to the event.  I even TOLD him that...like an idiot.  Either way, I understand all that, I am excited for it, and I have enjoyed it thus far.  It is fun to flirt with random people, even if you have no intentions of following through.  Being single makes me more aware of other guys, and when Anna and I were walking around Ann Arbor on Sunday, we probably got "noticed" or severely checked out 10 times.  It makes me feel good and special.  I have never been courted or treated like a queen.  And I'm not saying I need to be, but the offer of that as a possibility is so new and flattering.  I am excited to go on my date with Mazen when I get home.  I'm just really scared that it will make me more depressed because I know I don't want anything with him besides lunch.  He's too old and far ahead of me in life.  I know that if Nathan and I are right for each other, he will find his way back to me.  But I know I can't count on it, and that's why I've got to cut him out of my life for now.  The biggest lesson is that I can only count on myself and my family.  And also that Nathan only has the power to control my emotions if I give it to him.  And by cutting him out of my life, I have taken that power away from him.  He has nothing over me now.  I belong to myself.

I've Seen More Spine in Jellyfish, I've Seen More Guts in Eleven-Year-Old Kids

Retail therapy works! I'm here to spread the word.  Especially in Milan! So I'm here by myself for the night.  It really sucks being a girl.  I'm constantly scared to go places by myself, I can't go out by myself at night (or even when Adrienne was here), and I could go on.  And it's all because we're physically weaker than stupid fucking men.  No wonder there's such a big complex that we all have about needing to be with a man or being nothing.  Because we could literally be ground into nothing by that stupid fucking group of humans.  Tomorrow I go to Nice, and I'm meeting up with that guy I met.  I really hope he doesn't turn out to be an axe murderer cause I ain't got any superpowers.  And, no, I'm not looking for booty.  I don't even think I'll kiss him.  But he was sooo cute.  I think I just wanna be friends though.  I'm only gonna be there for three days, no need to make things awkward.  Also, who knows what will happen with Mazen in the fall.  I know he really wants to do lunch and I am not rejecting him.  I'm actually kind of excited.  But I don't want him to think it's gonna be a relationship-type thing.  I am so over those.  Never going back.

It's not fair that he wants to talk and still be friends.  I think it's because he wants the peace of mind of always knowing what I'm doing and making sure I'm not moving on in case he decides he's wrong.  I am moving on though, it has been long enough.  He does not deserve the peace of mind of knowing my whereabouts and what's new with me.  I have no need to speak with him.  I know exactly what's he's like and what he's doing.  He is boring and predictable and I have no desire to hear how fun the library was or what he's eating for lunch.  I wish I could stay in Europe forever so I would not have to go back and put effort into making sure I don't see his stupid face.

In My Bed & I Sleep Like a Baby

I am surprised that I have not been torturing myself as usual by overanalyzing the situation while I sleep.  Usually when I fight with Nathan, I sleep very poorly and I lose a lot of weight.  I am losing weight, but it's because I want to, not because thinking about his ugly face makes me lose my appetite.

In other news, I broke down in tears for the first time since we talked today while I was video chatting with my mother.  That was embarrassing.  And all because she made a little comment like, why don't you have Nathan or Ryan do something or other (I forget now what she was saying).  And just like that I started crying, and I had to pretend like my computer turned off because I didn't want to talk about it.  Then the dinner bell rang, and when I got to dinner I'm sure it was obvious I'd been crying because the Polish lady asked me if I had a cold. RUDE!  So after dinner I got back online and just explained to her via IM what had happened.

It's hard to talk to her about it because she always is happy when we break up because she knows we need space since I have been with him since I was a BABY (the summer after I turned 14/summer before sophomore year of high school).  I guess I really want this space too but I am just scared to death that Nathan will like it too much, or even love it, or find someone else, and then never come back.  That's my biggest fear.  But I guess I have to face it.

One Art by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Time to Move On, Time to Get Going

This weekend has been nice. Lots of alone time.  Yesterday I laid out in Mme. Cottave's backyard and listened to music.  At night I read the new Sedaris book before bed.  This morning I got up, laid in bed for awhile, and then went out to lunch by myself.  It was liberating.

The rules so far:

1. Look as good as possible everyday, and make it a point to check yourself out in the mirror and remind yourself how good you look.  Also, before you get in the shower, remind yourself how good you look naked compared to him!

2. Make a good better-off-without-him playlist. No sad or nostalgic songs.

So far I have:

-Doth I Protest Too Much? by Alanis Morissette

-Naive by Lily Allen

-Not Big by Lily Allen

-I Feel Bad by Rascal Flatts

-Revenge is Sweeter (Than You Ever Were) by the Veronicas

-Freshmen by the Verve Pipe

-Everybody Knows by the Dixie Chicks

-You Can Breathe by Jack's Mannequin

-7 Things by Miley Cyrus

-Keep Fishing by Weezer

-Colors by Amos Lee

-Winding Road by Bonnie Somerville

-The Long Way Around by the Dixie Chicks

-Time to Move On by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers

-Landslide by Fleetwood Mac